Some of the reasons people don’t say what they mean may be fear of rejection, of hurting other’s feelings, looking stupid, or believing you always have to be polite or that we can’t make a difference.

However, in not saying it straight, we may betray a deep truth only to gain a speck of self-worth or a speck of correctness.  There is a price to pay, and as is often the case with drugs today, the price may be life itself.

Taking responsibility for our feelings and expressing them requires the willingness to take risks on our own behalf:  the risk of appearing foolish, perhaps, or of experiencing some painful recognition.  Some risks are positive:  risking experiencing the exhilaration that comes with validating our inner strength, power, and feeling connected to our own resources and to other people.

Often we are surprised to find people respect us more when we are truly honest with ourselves and with them.  To be trustable, I don’t need to be perfect, I need to be real. 

Virginia Satir, world renowned family therapist, first generalized our reactions into five communication styles.  We all use all of them, or combinations of them at different times.

There are times when we placate:  doing things only to please others even if it harms us because we do not value ourselves enough.  We decide that we don’t count.

At times we blame:  we may try to salvage our self-esteem by attacking others.  We may judge, ridicule or threaten, taking care of ourselves at the expense of others.  They don’t count.

We may be super-reasonable:  out of desperation that our feelings don’t count, we say the right words, show no feelings and just give the facts.  Our feelings and their feelings don’t count, only the issue at hand counts.  We often get into this state when we feel the need for control.

We may be irrelevant:  distracting ourselves and others from what we really want to talk about or do or see happen.  We ignore what we want, what others want and the issue at hand.  Nothing counts.

Then there is the experience of being congruent:  when we level with ourselves and others, thereby valuing ourselves and at the same time respecting the other person and dealing with the issue at hand.  It all counts.

“Valuing ourselves means being aware and taking ownership of all our feelings, thoughts,…resources and choices.  We say our real yes and our real no, without blaming or needing to please others…  We can focus on being in charge of ourselves, on making a difference in our world by changing our own behaviours.”  (Virginia Satir).  Saying it straight makes this process possible.